start to finish

Hello there! I have mainly started this blog, because I'm starting down what I know will be a very tough road! I have made my mind up to quit smoking!! Yay me, right?? My dear friend Tracey started a blog for a journey she is on in life and told me this helps, so I'm giving it a whirl! This may very well be one of the toughest things I've had to do in my life. And for those of you who know what I've been through, that means it's pretty damn tough!! I started smoking my second semester in college. I was 18, and a pack cost $1.75. A pack could last me a whole week back then! Not sure why I initially started, but I'm sure it was a social thing. I led a very sheltered life until I got to college! I was out on my own, no one could hold me back! Which happens to be the thing that I believe started my downward spiral! I hid my smoking from my family and some of my friends. I don't really know how I got away with it! When I was home from school I'd take the phone outside and talk and smoke a cigarette so my mom and grandmother didn't know. With my family somking wasn't forbidden, but not accepted either! Both my grandfather, and my uncle died of heartattacks caused from smoking. So, my family would have been very shocked to find out my secret. In college smoking, led to drinking, and smoking weed. Never liked weed too much, it always made me throw up. So, didn't far into that! = ) But after two years I moved back home. By the time I was 21, I moved out on my own. Still smoking, still drinking! I had been dating a man for 3 years, and he had decided to move in with me. This was all well and good until I wound up pregnant. Jeremy left me when I was 3 months pregnant! I told my doctor that I was a smoker. I kept no secrets from him because he needed to know to help keep my baby safe. By this time I was smoking a pack a day of Marlboro lights. He explained to me that quitting smoking would be too hard on my body and the baby and I ran the risk of loosing my baby. I thought, hell yeah! Now I don't have to quit!! He simply suggested I cut down, so I did! I switched to Marlboro ultralights, a pack a day! I had an extremely difficult pregnancy. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and almost lost my baby 5 times. My last trimester I was put on bed rest, but that didn't keep me down! I've always been an "on the go" type person. The doctor explained that my smoking would lower the birth weight of the child but my diabetes would increase the birth weight of the child so that it would all even out! Well, my son weighed 9 lbs. 15 oz. and 23 inches long. He was born on January 14, (two weeks before his due date), at 11:54 a.m. This was after 36 hrs of labor then emergency c-section. Eric was in the hospital for 7 days and I was there for 9. This was the longest time period I have ever been without a cigarette! I guess I could've quit then, but I didnn't. I didn't breast feed so I didn't have to worry with that. But when Eric was 6 months old we went to Seattle to see my aunt and family up there. I thought I could handle a week with no cigarette, no problem, right?? NOPE! We got to the first layover in Salt lake city, and I was freaking out! I was very irritable, and with a screaming baby, my travel wasn't getting any easier. My mom finally turned to me and asked "whats wrong with you?" I looked at her and said nothing. She spoke up again and said "whats wrong, do you need a cigarette?" Without hesitation I glared back at her and said, "as a matter of fact I do!" She threw her purse at me and told me to go buy some and smoke it! That was the first time I admitted my habit to my mom. She sat there and glared at me through the glass to the smoking lounge at the airport while I smoked my first cigarette in front of her. Needless to say, I was a better behaved person after that cigarette! I never smoked in the house or in the car until my grandmother passed away in 2001. The night she died I smoked 4 packs! Her death was very hard on me and still is to this day. Growing up, she was my other parent, since my dad wasn't around. After her death, I smoked more and more. I didn't get off the couch for 3 months after she died. I was a horrible mother, Eric was only 2, and he needed me. But I didn't know how to be there for him. Smoking has always been the one vice I said no one could take away from me. But now I'm into my 30's, somiking more than a pack a day of camel #9's, Eric is in the fourth grade, and we still live with my mom. I wake up in the mornings, and the first thing I do is light a cigarette! I hack and cough, and am extremely lethargic. I am merely just a shell of my formal self. I can't smoke around my friends because none of them smoke. I have to excuse myself from social functions and go outside by myself just to have a cigarette. I always feel dirty, and that I reek of smoke! The time to stop is NOW! Eric begs me to quit! What other excuse do I really need? It's for his health as well as mine! So, on Friday I have a doctors appointment to get me on some medication and a program to help me stop. I'm going to need a lot of determination, will power, and the love and support of my family and friends. But I have kicked harder addictions than this, so I know I can do this. I just have to set my mind in gear and do it!! I know this has been long and drawn out, but this is the end of one journey and the beginning of another. I'm actually looking forward to a new challenge in my life!