a set course

Let me first off start by saying thank you to my dear friend Tracey! You have been my biggest supporter with this, well,besides Eric! : ) I didn't really know where I stood when I was writting my last blog. I was overcome by disappointed I couldn't see anything but what I had NOT accomplished. I am still trying to quit smoking. It is just going to take alot longer than anticipated. I still have that pack I bought so that in itself is a victory for the home team!! I am a goal oreinted person. I always have been. So when I set this goal to quit smoking, I meant I would quit!!!! I don't give up easily! I am a survivor, and as I have said, I have survived far worse than smoking! I just have to take it hour by hour! If I can do 3 days, I can do 6! Sometimes I just need some time to myself to knock me around a little, and get me back on track! I have set a course, and I intend to follow it! I have smoked 1 cigarette today which in itself is better considering I used to have half a pack down by now! I am finding that times that were hard for me aren't so hard any more! Like when we have breaks at school. We get 3 breaks in the 4 hours we are there. Usually I would flock outside just like everyone else and smoke a cigarette. But now I stay inside, and finish up on some school work or read a book. I just have to keep myself busy! I can do this, I know I can. It's just going to take a little more oomph!!!

disappointed

Well, I made it 3 days without a cigarette! Yay me, right?! Hold on before you start singing my praises.......I relapsed! Last night it got so bad I just could not take it any more. I went and bought a pack of cigarettes. I didn't buy my normal brand, and they taste really, really bad. I just finally came to the conclusion that things around here aren't stable enough for me to make this big step. I just don't have the support that i did two years ago. The really bad thing is I feel like I have let eveyone down. Everyone thinks I am so strong, and I can get through anything, but they are wrong! I may be strong when it comes to certain things in my life, but otherwise I am very weak. I am really beating myself up over this. Not only did I let my son down, but I let myself down! Is there a rehab for smokers??? When I quit using I hid away from everyone and everything, until I was strong enough to stand on my own. I even went to my family's house when my mother was at work, so i wouldn't be alone, and fall to temtation. This is just way different! I used for a year and a half, I've smoked for 14 years! There are other pros and cons, but I don't feel like getting into them right now. I just feel like a big failure! I suppose the good news is that I have a pack of cigarettes right in front of me and haven't smoked at all this morning! I'm sorry to all of you out there that I have let down because of this and other things as well. Pray for me, please! Pray to God to provide me with strength and courage and wisdom to get through this uphill battle. I can't do it alone, and thats how I feel right now.....alone.

Day #2

Ok, here I am on Day #2 and not a cigarette!! I think I'm doing ok. I have times of anxiety, and I start looking for something, and it takes me a minute to realize I'm looking for my cigarettes, but there aren't any!!! I have trouble collecting my thoughts and my sentences come out wrong. You know that commercial where it has that guy putting his clothes on backwards and his pants on the wrong way, and they say if you can learn to dress yourself without a cigarette then you can do anything without a cigarette! Well, I'm the guy walking around with his pants on backwards. I'm having to relearn to do everything. My morning coffee, and after I eat are the hardest time of the day for me. But, I can say I have not given in! I'm still smoke free!!! I think i just might be able to make it!!!!!!!!!

funny familiar feeling

Hey folks! Well, now I understand what the doctor meant by depression! I think my mood is a combination of things. I just don't feel like getting up and doing ANYTHING! The not smoking thing is alot harder than aticipated. I have this urgency to smoke the whold darn pack!! Then when I try to not go buy another pack, I freak out! I know this whole thing is a mind game and takes some reprogramming, but I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for this yet! I have already smoked 6 cigarettes today, and my day isn't even half over!! I'm just a little down on myself, because I thought I could do better than this. I have to keep telling myself it's a process, not everything happens in just one day!! I pray that grants me the strength to get through this! I know from experience that the first 30 days is the hardest! I'm only on day 5! Oh well, no need to add extra stress, right?! They can't all be good days, and they can't all be bad days!!!

ARRRGGGGGHHHHHH!

Well folks, the title says it all! Today it has been coming at me from all angles! I have smoked way over my limit today! My neighborhood at first sight is a nice middle class, quiet, friendly neighborhood. Then we moved in!!! I called the police twice today, and they came out to the house. The first time was because this kid who is signifcantly older than my 9 yr. old started beating Eric with a bamboo stick! Then a different kid confronted me and started yelling at me and cussing at me! Well the police took care of the bamboo kid and left. Then an hour or so later I have this woman pounding on my door. Then she started yelling at me telling me I had no right to yell at her "baby" and I got in his face and a whole mess of lies that didn't happen. I told her that her "baby" had no respect for authority, and had a mouth that needed to be restrained. Then the child called me a bitch! I asked the mother if she was going to do anything after he just said that, and she replied by she didn't hear a thing!! ARGH! She would not leave my house until she heard me on the phone with the 911 dispatcher! I now have a neighborhood officer assigned to my house and my street! Hopefully we together can bring some kind of order to this massive chaos! So needless to say the not smoking thing hasn't really been going so well today! My son is black and blue and I am emotionally drained! Tomorrow is a new day, right? Hopefully the world will behave and I can get back on track! My actual quit date is the 21st, so I haven't gone off the deep end yet! When I get stressed, the first thing I do is reach for a cigarette! I am in the middle of reprogramming my mind to not reach or buy a pack of cigarettes. I didn't get addicted in a day, and won't be able to quit in a day! One day at a time! God's will, not mine! Dear lord, just keep the crazies and thier bratty kids out of my way and I might just make it!!!!

the big fat quitter

Well, this has been day one! My doctor prescribed me Chantix, for 3 months. I have to go in monthly to get checked to make sre everything is still ticking right. My acutal quit day is on the 21st of November. You have to give the medication a week, to not only take affect, but to let your system adjust. So I have had 10 cigaretts since this morning which is great considering I was smoking a pack and a half a day! There is one bad side effect! 30% of patients that have been on Chantix have experienced suicidal thoughts and needs. Since I have already been in the hospital twice for suicidal thoughts, my doctor is concerned with my case. She made it very clear that if I start having thoughts of suicide, i am to call her, immediately! She gave me the number to her phone in her office, as well as her cell, and pager number. I really like my doctor! But I'm pretty sure I will be fine. Things are different now, way different! I'm in a better place in my life than I was before. I also have the support of my family and wonderful friends. Plus, I wouldn't want to put everyone I care about through, what Mikey did to me and his family. I'll get more detailed about that in a later blog! Needless to say, I am much happier, and stronger than I was 2 years ago! My goal for tomorrow is to cut down to only 5 cigarettes, we will see how that goes! The hardest times for me seem to be right after i eat! If I quit eating maybe I won't want a cigarette!!!!! ha! I'm on my way to bed! I'd say that today was a pretty good day!

start to finish

Hello there! I have mainly started this blog, because I'm starting down what I know will be a very tough road! I have made my mind up to quit smoking!! Yay me, right?? My dear friend Tracey started a blog for a journey she is on in life and told me this helps, so I'm giving it a whirl! This may very well be one of the toughest things I've had to do in my life. And for those of you who know what I've been through, that means it's pretty damn tough!! I started smoking my second semester in college. I was 18, and a pack cost $1.75. A pack could last me a whole week back then! Not sure why I initially started, but I'm sure it was a social thing. I led a very sheltered life until I got to college! I was out on my own, no one could hold me back! Which happens to be the thing that I believe started my downward spiral! I hid my smoking from my family and some of my friends. I don't really know how I got away with it! When I was home from school I'd take the phone outside and talk and smoke a cigarette so my mom and grandmother didn't know. With my family somking wasn't forbidden, but not accepted either! Both my grandfather, and my uncle died of heartattacks caused from smoking. So, my family would have been very shocked to find out my secret. In college smoking, led to drinking, and smoking weed. Never liked weed too much, it always made me throw up. So, didn't far into that! = ) But after two years I moved back home. By the time I was 21, I moved out on my own. Still smoking, still drinking! I had been dating a man for 3 years, and he had decided to move in with me. This was all well and good until I wound up pregnant. Jeremy left me when I was 3 months pregnant! I told my doctor that I was a smoker. I kept no secrets from him because he needed to know to help keep my baby safe. By this time I was smoking a pack a day of Marlboro lights. He explained to me that quitting smoking would be too hard on my body and the baby and I ran the risk of loosing my baby. I thought, hell yeah! Now I don't have to quit!! He simply suggested I cut down, so I did! I switched to Marlboro ultralights, a pack a day! I had an extremely difficult pregnancy. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and almost lost my baby 5 times. My last trimester I was put on bed rest, but that didn't keep me down! I've always been an "on the go" type person. The doctor explained that my smoking would lower the birth weight of the child but my diabetes would increase the birth weight of the child so that it would all even out! Well, my son weighed 9 lbs. 15 oz. and 23 inches long. He was born on January 14, (two weeks before his due date), at 11:54 a.m. This was after 36 hrs of labor then emergency c-section. Eric was in the hospital for 7 days and I was there for 9. This was the longest time period I have ever been without a cigarette! I guess I could've quit then, but I didnn't. I didn't breast feed so I didn't have to worry with that. But when Eric was 6 months old we went to Seattle to see my aunt and family up there. I thought I could handle a week with no cigarette, no problem, right?? NOPE! We got to the first layover in Salt lake city, and I was freaking out! I was very irritable, and with a screaming baby, my travel wasn't getting any easier. My mom finally turned to me and asked "whats wrong with you?" I looked at her and said nothing. She spoke up again and said "whats wrong, do you need a cigarette?" Without hesitation I glared back at her and said, "as a matter of fact I do!" She threw her purse at me and told me to go buy some and smoke it! That was the first time I admitted my habit to my mom. She sat there and glared at me through the glass to the smoking lounge at the airport while I smoked my first cigarette in front of her. Needless to say, I was a better behaved person after that cigarette! I never smoked in the house or in the car until my grandmother passed away in 2001. The night she died I smoked 4 packs! Her death was very hard on me and still is to this day. Growing up, she was my other parent, since my dad wasn't around. After her death, I smoked more and more. I didn't get off the couch for 3 months after she died. I was a horrible mother, Eric was only 2, and he needed me. But I didn't know how to be there for him. Smoking has always been the one vice I said no one could take away from me. But now I'm into my 30's, somiking more than a pack a day of camel #9's, Eric is in the fourth grade, and we still live with my mom. I wake up in the mornings, and the first thing I do is light a cigarette! I hack and cough, and am extremely lethargic. I am merely just a shell of my formal self. I can't smoke around my friends because none of them smoke. I have to excuse myself from social functions and go outside by myself just to have a cigarette. I always feel dirty, and that I reek of smoke! The time to stop is NOW! Eric begs me to quit! What other excuse do I really need? It's for his health as well as mine! So, on Friday I have a doctors appointment to get me on some medication and a program to help me stop. I'm going to need a lot of determination, will power, and the love and support of my family and friends. But I have kicked harder addictions than this, so I know I can do this. I just have to set my mind in gear and do it!! I know this has been long and drawn out, but this is the end of one journey and the beginning of another. I'm actually looking forward to a new challenge in my life!